good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
