I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
the liver wants what the liver wants
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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