I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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