im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
