After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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