So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
