This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
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