My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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