I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
