cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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