So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
