i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize