we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
