so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
