i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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