my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
