Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
