My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
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