last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
He told me they were just razor bumps!
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
