I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
