im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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