Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize