Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
