She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
