I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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