I will die if light touches me.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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