Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
