my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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