So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
