all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
