false alarm. still invincible.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Sober January is a disaster.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
