Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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