i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
you will always have a special place in my vag
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
i've created a new STD.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
