Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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