We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
