I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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