Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm getting married
To pizza
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Pants are for mortals
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
