This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
