It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
