I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
