I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize