I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
