Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
