On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
