There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
