I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
