I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
