It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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