Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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