U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
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