So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
