I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
