So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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