If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
