I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
