why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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