you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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