Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
