cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
You can't motorboat a personality
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
