I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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