Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
