I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
