i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
