oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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