oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i would punch a child for taco bell
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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