so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Is it because I queefed?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
