i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
