Are we in a gay sports bar?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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