You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
